Baby Steps to Being Vulnerable

Has anyone ever noticed how hard it is to be vulnerable? Or is it just me?

I mean, even in my relationship with God (who knows all things), I feel like I cannot be vulnerable. With myself I can't be vulnerable sometimes. Why is that? Why do we, as humans, search for perfection? NO ONE is perfect; so why do we try to be? Before I go any further, I must state that there is a difference in striving for one's best and trying to be perfect. I understand this concept, yet I still struggle.

Lately, God has been asking me to become more vulnerable, open to not only HIM, but to others. My response? I don't think I can do that.... I'm just a scared little girl with a front of everything is just fine. He then put His warmth around me and I realized that I could with His help.

I happened to be visiting a couple of good friends that week....... The test came. I sat at Starbucks with them discussing what is to come, how their summer was going, what they were excited about, etc... (Dun, dun, dun...) then time came where I knew that God was nudging me forward. I could talk about something with them or just continue to push it aside (like always).

I started to open my mouth to speak, I couldn't. Words weren't spilling out in a fashion like way. I was stuttering, replacing words, not really making sense. In my head I was thinking this is why I can't tell them, I can't even say it out loud!!! I took a deep breath. I was ready to give in like always and go back to my old ways, keep to myself. It'll change one day, right? NO. While all of this was taking place in my head, my two friends patiently waited with looks of comfort. I could do this. I have God and these two friends. I finally came out with what I had to say. What I needed help with. I became vulnerable.

I expected them to shun me. I expected them to want to leave Starbucks.

They didn't.

Instead, they jumped like two cats on a laser point. They were excited. They became a support system that I needed (even when I thought that I could do it myself). Everything changed. I was able to be vulnerable with them about the subject and then a few dreams I had the next day. I was excited!!

When driving home, I thought, "Okay! I was vulnerable, God!! I can move on to something new." Only to find out I was nowhere near done being vulnerable. That was just the first step.

Are You "Sorry"

I really do not know what to write; I only know that I am supposed to write. I used to live and breathe writing and reading, but lately I seem only to push it aside (which is not my character). I mean, I still haven't made it past chapter 2 in the book, Mocking Jay. *Disclaimer: may ruin part of the book* Don't get me wrong, I'm DYING to know what happens to Peeta. And, I read on pinterest today that Finnick AND Prim die in the book!! My gracious that cannot happen! Yet, I still have picked up the book to see (or read) for myself (again, out of my character).
I am also a nerd. I typically find researching topics, news, politics, etc. incredibly fascinating; however, I just do not want to do any research lately (repetition: not my character).
Wow, I just read what I wrote, and realized I am completely rambling and going on tangents. I apologize.

OH! "I apologize". This brings me to a entirely different topic than the previous paragraph. If any of you knew me, you would know that I generally would say, "I'm sorry" to anyone for anything. I even caught myself saying, "I'm sorry" after I laughed....EVERY time (even when people told a joke TO make me laugh). This became habit and a lifestyle.
One day after I had told my dad that I did not wrap the veggies  properly, I promptly said, "I'm sorry."
My father looked at me with the most concerned face ever and said, "Why are you sorry?"
I replied, "I didn't wrap the vegetables to be put on the grill correctly, and I am sorry for that."
He then asked me to think about what I had said.......
I thought.......
I thought some more....
I broke the silence, "I don't understand what you're trying to point out here."
He then asks me the perplexing question, "Have you ever heard someone say that 'You're a sorry individual'?"
I replied the obvious, "Yes, why?"
My frustrated father said, "What does the person saying that MEAN when they're speaking that statement to someone?"
"Well, generally, it is in a demeaning way. They're saying that certain person is not capable of a work habit, subject, or, in some cases, life. Basically, they are no good."
"So, when you say, 'I'm sorry', you're speaking what you just said to yourself."
Hmmm...WOW! "I've never thought about it that way... Well, if I do something wrong or drop something, what should I say?"
"I apologize."
"Well, that makes perfect sense! Because I AM apologizing, but I'm not tearing myself down publically!!"
"You got it, dude!"

I did not realize that saying, "I'm sorry" was tearing myself down mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Since this conversation, I have started saying, "I apologize" instead of the other, and I have noticed a change in myself and my demeanor. I was selling myself short, and tearing myself down before anyone else could. This is not the way that God intended me or YOU to walk. He created me and YOU to walk confidently in HIM: Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." We are one of His works. We are beautiful individuals with a passion and not "sorry" individuals.

-Holly